$20 @ Charlotte Russe

I just may go back tomorrow and get one of them.... :') HELP!! SHOPAHOLIC ON THE LOOSE!

Dong Yi

I swear, mom has truly brainwashed me into being interested in her kDrama.

:)

Samsung TL210

Polyvore, you whore!

So I was on Polyvore.com (thanks to Bhre) and it's a website that allows you to put together outfits and what not. ANYWAY. If I had a careless shopping spree fund, I would totally invest in clothes to put together outfits like these. Fuck my weight insecurities, I love myself (more than I used to) and I want to DRESS UP.

Family (un)tie(s).

After being away for a little over a month and being stuck in the airport for six hours waiting to hop on a 75 minute flight back to San Diego, I have forgotten what it was truly like to be home. Some family members try to make it clear that I don't live here... reinforcing the idea that I'm unwelcome.

Fuck. I don't feel like explaining. All in all... I feel lonely, unsure and most definitely homeless. I'm not at home in San Diego because I can't be myself nor visit friends the way that I wish to. I'm not truly at home in San Francisco because I'm not particular about roommates and it also doesn't feel right to be somewhere that your parents aren't near.

I'm an orphan that no one has time to acknowledge or understand.

a txt msg one evening...

and so he sent me a text message, it said:

You are my gift from God.

Made my day.

:-)

I hate it when

I'm watching the Chinese music countdown on television and I hear a song I really like, but I can't get it because the title of the song and the name of the artist is in Chinese.

fml.

Forever 21 Nail Polish Splurge

Switching from dark shimmery polishes to light/pastel, matte colors.

Tried the salmon pink, I think I like it?

All this "young" drama is exhausting.

I definitely miss the older aged friends who believe in reciprocating respect and sincerity.

Fuck instability.

Droppin' the fakes.

It only needs to happen once because my kindness is a motha fuckin gift.

So fuck you and yo' moma who didn't know how to raise you with some real courtesy.

I'm just sayin'

An apology to him ♥

The largest thing that has been in my focus as of late is most definitely, my relationship with Christopher. I don't think he checks my blog regularly because he has so many things going on back home with his family and attempting to stand out in the dark employment world. I know I have my moments where I publicly scorn him through the social networks that I am on or vent to friends (rarely happens because I feel guilty yapping my mouth, especially since nearly all my friends are single) about how disappointed he makes me. And I'll be honest, he does disappoint me. He does upset me and I do catch him lying about some things that he's not supposed to be doing.

But all in all, it's all a part of being invested in a relationship. I realized that we have known each other for quite a long time and friends and some family members have came and went during those years. During that span, I have forgotten some things on what it takes to be in a successful relationship. After days of conversation and taking a few steps back, he and I have refreshened our memories and why we get along so well and why it was so easy for us to fall in love. We have great intellectual conversations, we can have fun together, we love being idiots and exploring our childlike behaviors, we make each other laugh, we talk things out, give each other advice, and so much more. And so I want to apologize to him and also to anyone who reads my entries because I feel that I have misrepresented him. And from now on, I am going to try and publicize the positives he puts in my life as much as I do the negatives.

♥

Super foods for super beauty.

So I'm watching the Dr. Oz show, and he said:

Protection from sun damage - pink grapefruit (rich in lycopene)

Prevents wrinkles - red bell peppers (has 2x vitamin C and 1/3 of calories of an orange; eat 1/4cup a day)

Prevents acne - collard greens (vitamin A, allows skin to exfoliate naturally)

Prevents dry skin - trout

Reduces inflamation & redness - capers (rich in quercetin, natural antihistamine)

a day of things taken.

as would dr. washington would call this day.
i've given some thought about his interpretation of "thanksgiving."
and i've decided to look at it from a perspective outside of racial boundaries and tensions and find what else such a new term could be used.

and ahoy, judging on how the day has gone so far...
my mind, body and soul feels as if they have been taken.

the topic of my relationship with my long-term, long-distance, "secret" relationship is looking grim.
each day it feels as if it is comfortable and sweet.
but each day in reality, i have also discovered undesireable traits that makes me want to take off the blue ring with yellow gold sea animals encrusted around it
and just...leave it on the breakfast table and walk away silently.

i am so patient, understanding and it does not make sense as to why i have to be the one who is upset all the time.
i deserve more effort.

has this whole time been a waste?

Heaven.

Funny find.

A nice surprise...

Di called me today. =]

Smooth...

Birth control may be free under new health care law

"Heck if this law prevents more little monsters from being born by taking away the excuse as to why a girl had a baby instead of taking the pill then I'm all for it. Something has to be done with the rise in teenage pregnancy. Paying for girls to take the pill is cheaper then paying for these girls to go on welfare and wasting more taxpayers money because she couldn't say no.

Have taxpayers pay for her getting the pill so that we don't have to pay for her little brats later on. "

- Hermione

I laughed my ass off.

Misassociation disproportions individuality.

it's interesting how people allow the quantity of participants in their social atmospheres to dictate who they are
and the quality of interactions they have with others.
am i the better person if i were to continue to give the gift of friendship, companionship?
or am i similarly petty if i withdrew from honest contact and obstructed the path of growth?

My intellect and radiating love never ceases to be be amazed
nor subdued
by how empty minded, self-centered, and sufficiently plastic a person--rather than being an individual--can be.

when does eagerness and volunteered comfort and guidance
become desperation and idiocy?

how is it so difficult a task to feel comfortable underneath your skin?
how is it so sure, bold, and certain that following another's false trail is the definition of your individuality?

when unaccompanied, you are alone and unsure of your surroundings.
you behave so inattentively and stationary.
so lost.

and it is then that i turn around and question myself for wasting such an association.

I'm so fucking sick of

being people's last resort.

they have me going, thinking we're all friends and true and shit.

but when other people come along, I get dismissed.

No wonder I continue to be disheartened in life.

Because apparently, my soul is oh so expendable.

thank you, world, for enlightening me of my true purpose.

fuck.

you know WHAT.
fuck everybody.
because the reason why i am incapable of keeping a consistent string of a million friends
like everyone else,
is because i can't conform who i am.

i am me, legitimately and consistently, plain me.

Oh, material girl!

Got the nails redid, I decided to splurge and go to the salon. I also decided to be a rebel and try a bright color. "Grape Fit!" by O.P.I. ($10). People kept commenting on how they thought my nails were fake. Nope, they're all real! I guess my nails have the "ideal shape"? Wtf, they don't even look that long.

Was at Ross Discount store last weekend with my friend Bhre and I spent 2 hours staring at these pair of BCGB Maxazria heels on the clearance rack for $19.99. So I said fine, and walked around the store holding them. Then the clerk said since there was a rip in the shoe (hardly noticeable), he gave me an additional 15% off. I guess I would have to say $17 is a great steal for designer shoes.

Total expenditure after tax + tips: $32.

Might be bottling up again, but it's how I feel fresh.

Today, I look like this:

Negative: Never would have thought that the person behind that smile
is having the worst, emotional last few days huh?

Positive: Bought my first SF State sweatshirt. Cheapest goes for $45,
was on sale for $19.95 and used my $25 bookstore gift card.
Thus, I spent nothing. The year wait was worth it.

Maybe: Considering getting Twitter so I may Tweet from my phone
all my negative, sarcastic, racist, insane in-the-moment thoughts.

It's all

over, nothing. Zip. I'm crushed. I can hardly open my eyes. My ears are no longer receptive. My thoughts are no longer insightful. My hopes are hardly trusting.

Don't trust them, kafirs.

wtf entry.

My 2cents at 3pm

Good morning, October

Roommates, classes, purchases!

Sorry for the video/audio quality, the original video was 1.6GB! So I had to compress it to 70MB. :(

Bowie Ankle Boot

iWant these in black. Size 10. $129.99. C'mon, make a wannabe girly-girl happy.

First day of school

Coastal Scents Eyeshadow

I've read and watched so many reviews on Coastal Scents' eyeshadow palettes. People have claimed that Coastal Scents products offer similar makeup quality as MAC does. And people love and boast about CS because they are affordable. CS is mostly known for their 88 Piece Color Palette for $18.95. One MAC eyeshadow color could run at least $15, whereas CS have palettes that range from 6 to 88 different colors for an average of $25-30 dollars. And since we're comparing MAC, one CS eyeshadow ("hotpot") cost about $4.95.

I keep watching and watching YouTube reviews (I was in search for hypoallergenic makeup for my skin tone, etc.) and I've been dying to get a CS palette for months. After paying off a credit card bill, paid some of my bills as well as budgeted money for flying back up to San Francisco, I was finally able to indulge this afternoon at 3:23PM. Since I can't pull off a natural look with bright neon blues, greens, and whatevers; I decided on their 88 Color Warm Palette for the "Natural and/or Smokey Look," at $24.95. I'm so excited, I hope this is as great as everyone claims it is!

88 Piece Warm Palette:

Boots!

Ok, finally took pictures of the boots I got from 6pm.com. They were on sale for 75% off and I totaled to about $25. They looked SO good online and I had spent the last year looking for boots for San Francisco's constant rain. But little did I know, just because the boot is your foot size doesn't mean the calf circumference will fit. I was so sad because they looked so pretty out the box, I really thought I had to send them back. =( So I measured my calf and I realized I could take them to a shoe repair shop and have material added to fit. It was pretty expensive, but I thought it was a good investment because wide calf boots run for nearly $300 online and are hard to fine in stores. So I saved $200+ regardless. So after a long week of waiting and laziness, here are some pics:

Checking in.

I know lately I've been really upset and losing all hope, but I'm waking up in a better mood these past couple of days. It seems that I'll have a huge break down, take a picture of my poofy-reddened eyes and stare at it for a week. And this time, I actually shared one of them. I also noticed that I'm more prone to these break downs if I have side projects going on at school or whatever else I got going on and dad comes along and just ruins it. Yes, he expects me to drop school or work and put him on a pedestal. His work is "more important."

Anyway, I'm back to ignoring how he makes me feel and another thing that's helping is that I haven't really seen or spoke to him since I was in the ER last week. Walk past him, and go to my room in hopes he doesn't say anything to me.

So the ER determined that I have an "undiagnosed chest condition." Meaning it could either be my heart or lungs and I haven't gotten my Medi-Cal insurance solidified yet to do further diagnostics. People say my health insurance sucks, but it's better than no insurance. What can I do, it's free government insurance until I can find my own real insurance. So far, I'm clear of Deep-Vein Thrombosis and the doctor gave me the OK to return to birth control to regulate my dying uterus (periods every other week). But I think I need to change it to something else. There's something in this medication that makes me sicker than what I am and I certainly don't want to have a stroke two years from now.

I'm scared. But I'm just going to have to keep smiling for now.

An attempt at laughter...

Dear Dad,

you never realize how stressed and pressured you make me feel. you make me never want to be around you. i want to go to san francisco and never come back. i'm tired of it. everyday, i cry. everyday, i want to not live anymore. i stare through the kitchen window and cry. if you don't care, then i don't care. you make me want to drop out of college and just be nothing but an object at your disposal. why can't you do things yourself, why do you refuse to learn how to something. i hate myself, i hate living, everyday is unfortunate because i realize i'm still alive when i wake up. maybe i should just keep taking these medications and keep going to the ER until i don't get to leave. i can't believe you had me walk back to the car for my wallet while in the ER. if i could do that, i wouldn't need to be at the fucking hospital. you make me not ever want to get married. i just want to be alone. i don't want to see people, i hate going out just to do something for myself because you make me regret it when i get back home. i try to you love you. i always make excuses for you.

Fuckin' fat!

The last few days, I've been frequenting the mall quite a bit while being out with the family while my parents attended their gemstone convention. The day before yesterday, I went to Ross (awesome discount store) and got two plaid shirt dresses (you know, the ones that are like super way in fashion at the moment). For example:


I spent about $30 and I felt so excited to be buying myself something new, especially since my sisters say I don't dress up enough and always look like a "homeless man." I think it's because I'm ashamed of how I look, I can't explain nor can I figure out why I couldn't control what I put into my sorry mouth.

I know this time last year I made a pact with myself to lose weight and drop so many pounds by November or which ever weightloss plan I had originally set. I was so confident and excited that moving out for college and losing weight would be the greatest and surest thing to happen. Wrong. Nothing happened. I didn't start actually consistently exercising at the gym on the treadmill until the last 2 months or so. Even then, the last 2 weeks of the second month, I fell off track. I did myself a favor and I actually did gain the so-called "freshman 15." I am now at my fucking heaviest. Whopping, disgusting, unfortunate, no one to blame but myself... 210lbs. What the fuck? The year went by so quickly and I... it's all harder than it seems and time flies by faster than assumed. I had to juggle sharing a living space with someone else, the all-you-can-eat buffet that was included in the "meal plan" at the dorms, the stress of managing college expenses, working, and 5 hour sleeps. I even coerced Nick to buddy-up with me and make a separate weight loss blog in order to keep track with our so-called success.

I have now been home for 1 month and 5 days. I have been so frustrated with other shit that when I finally remembered my weight dilemma, I sighed in surrender. For the past week, I've been saying... I just don't care anymore.

ANYWAYS-back to the new plaid shirts. I wore one for the first time today and I looked in the mirror. I doubted what I saw. Since I didn't care anymore, I didn't stare in the mirror long like I used to do, said "fuck it" and left to drop mom and dad off at the gemstone convention. While at the mall and waiting for the siblings to play at the arcade, I caught myself in the reflection of the mall's mirrors. "Gross, who is that whale? Why are they wearing an unflattering plaid sheet?!" And there it was, the billionth epiphany, "that who is you." I don't deserve these new shirts, I should go back to my pajama pants, sweatshirt, and bathroom flip flops. I have already decided that I was going to return just one of the shirts. Take that $15 and contribute it to another try at something else for a healthier me. Yes, I know, "here we go again." Even I'm thinking it. But I just... I need to keep trying. Better to keep trying than to do nothing, right? I hope so.

I have even tried the 6 small meals throughout the day. That didn't even work for me because I found myself to be having 6 medium to large meals. Like I fucking ate more than I did with just 3 large meals.

What's the next "here we go again"? Nutrition shakes. 1 for breakfast and dinner (since I'm noticing lately that when I go to bed, I feel like throwing up from fullness). Lunch time, I guess, will be my meal of the day. The vitamin shakes are supposed to be 200 calories per serving.

I'm not sure how this will go, but we'll see. I'm not going to over plan this one like I did all those other times. Considering the fact that my success rate at caring for myself has been failures.

Just another day

Usual stressful week at the house. Started summer classes. Math is... well, I can't tell yet. Lusi flew today to Russia for the summer (or yesterday?). I hope she has fun and there isn't too much drama. I saw Iember" yesterday... weird in itself lol. Called Jenna, hopefully dad will "let" me go to the movies with her next weekend.

I've been thinking a lot on whether or not I'm... satisfied with myself... life, et cetera. I feel alive, while at the same time I don't. Everyday and all the things that I do, I feel like I'm just "going through the motion." Mere survival. I go to school... not because I want to, but because I have to. I eventually need a great career, to save lives? Ideally. To live and make ends meet? Of course. Everything from doing what my parents/religion expects of me to going to bed because it's late, not because I'm tired; I am robotic. I'm inanimate. I used to think I knew what I wanted to do in order to undo my frozen heart. But even I don't trust or believe nor see sense in any of it. I stare blankly at my surroundings. Is this me? Is this where I live? Or is this where I just, ...habituate? I think my faith is strong in religion, but my faith in myself is weak. I realized that I even demonstrate this unconsciously: when I speak to people, my choice of words formulate confusion; when I do something, I'm not sure where to start or what to do next; I'm not confident under my own skin.

Everyday feels like a dream and I question all the time, is this dullness... lack of infatuation with finding absoluteness, ...reality?

iWANT.

BoredUM tips!

Just thought I would try giving myself tips. Not too shitty looking lol.

A little piece of me on such a Sunday

One of those days where I have nothing to distract myself from and end up letting my mind wander off into things I have no desire to have in thought.

Why am I the way I am? Quiet. Reserved. My personality can be very much referred to as a "loner," but I don't feel like one. Yet the reference instills a feeling of awkwardness around people. It's not that I don't want to be social, I just feel... tired all the time? Like there are so many issues and things that have happened and that are happening that just makes me, simply, tired. And I crave that time for myself. Time to regroup myself and who I love being. But what seems like an eternity of waiting, I never get that chance of tranquility through silence and detachment. I am always left, I guess... interested? I feel my true self is kind, giving, considerate, energetic, entertaining, and child-like. And maybe sarcastic, too. For the past six years, however, I only have small moments of me. And after those episodes, I go back to the serious, stressed, and anxious me. And my face and body language always expresses that, those things of exhaustion.

No one, unless you've known me for at least five years, knows why. But since I feel like venting, I'll tell the same old thing as I always do. Only a select few people know this, but over the past year I've been accepting what happened at the ages of 5, 7, and 9. I openly and I don't regret telling people that I was abused by men. It happened and I know it has affected me up until now, but it's a part of me and well, it's gone. It's the past and I need to seal up those holes. However, the long-term abuse wasn't actually physical, but rather, mental. My dad contributed to my dilemma through pressure and shelter. Sure when I was 6 years old, I said I wanted to be a doctor, but I don't I don't think that gives a parent to pressure you to be absolutely fucking perfect. Harvard was supposed to be the only college. The choices were Harvard, or get married. Then there was not having friends, no one could come over and vice versa (which still exists as a rule at age 19). I probably get to see one friend every few weeks at a time and God knows it can't be for more than 3 hours. Another exhausting thing is having to cater to him 24/7. A proper female has to serve his every need. A man's need. Meaning back and neck messages every night, making extraordinary feasts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I remember when I was younger, we did his laundry and even went as far as pouring his juice into his glass.

Now that I'm in college, failed at getting Harvard ($$ issues) and I'm in a situation where I had to go away to school that's 10 hours away from home (by car); I learned that these childhood things has made me exhausted of life. I have sampled some things that typical college students do, but I know that's not me. My hugest comfort comes in the form of sleep, and relaxing and doing nothing while sipping tea to quietness. This ideal situation feels like recharge for my battery. No crap to deal with from people, a break from real life. Some may think that my ideal living space of solitude is depressing, but to me, it's a break. I wish so hard that I can have that. I'm naturally an outgoing person, but I take school seriously and I still and always will have my demanding lifestyle, and all I ask for is just a little me time. Which is the main reason why I went away for college.

Hopefully I'll be able to achieve this recharge through an apartment by myself next semester.

what does

the world mean to me? to you? should it matter to me as it does to you?

how about when i'm sad? when you're happy and i'm gone, wasting and sailing away?

when i'm down, low

and you're up, high,

soaring with all that there is and everything to do?

how would it be, let's say...

we're in the ocean, winter breeze, consumed in this blue empty space... shall i stay?

how is it, if i closed my eyes

soul faded

wasted days dated

with you and yourself, ...i slowly hated

what does presence mean to you? yours?

...mine?

Budget for Books, y'all

Remember my last book blog entry? Well, the only book I read off of it was The 19th Wife, which was GOOD. And so I'm going through a reading craze again, I just... I just want and need to feed it!!! Prices include book and shipping! :o

1. The Wives of King Henry VIII........ $4.37

2. King Arthur and His Knights of the Round Table ....... $4.98

3. A Young Girl's Crimes ....... $9.99
WTF, this one is only 192 pages?! Ugh, library anyone?

Anyway, goodnight!

Fitness Update (crap start AGAIN)

http://outofgumfitness.blogspot.com/2010/04/mai-random-restart.html

College? Dorm drama. No space. No sleep. Greasy food. Lazy tendencies.

Work? Hard. Repetitive. Awesome boss, MLE. :)

Summary: school is a bitch, decided not to work next year, will be in more debt. However my job is wonderful, although tiring.

Brief Morning Hello

Well it has certainly been a while.

Here we go, bullet update:

• Tired easily, working 18-20 hours a week, in addition to classes and small study time
• Bio 230 is hard shit, midterm already coming up next week
• Wanting to go home next weekend since we get a 4 day weekend, but not enough $$$
• Still on period, went to student health center and am on estrogen
• Wondering if period will ever go away... annoyed + scared
• Can't believe Di turned 20 two days ago...............................
• Wondering when roommate will clean the bathroom
• I want Gabby to teach me how to knit a beanie
• Still pretty excited about Nine West purchases last week... all under $30 (wallet $13, purse $12)

Time to go to class.... will upload purse later.

Mumbo Jumbo

• So tired, my guess is because of the 4 weeks of period. Making me anemic or something.
  
• Winter break is practically over! Guh, I fly back to San Francisco Sunday night. I hope the storm is over so I don't get delayed... If I do, I'll get there super late and don't have enough money to take a taxicab as the bus lines close down at 11pm.
  
• Knitting is on a momentary hault, but I bought new yarns... white and red XD
• I don't want to go back to school.......... actually, the dorms just ruin everything.
• My feet have been peeling since November and I thought it was athlete's foot, but I guess it isn't! Dad let me try his medicine his doctor prescribed and it worked within 24hours! I suppose it's just his bad genetics kicking in
• Glytone Retexturize Cream is the shit, but it's expensive :(
• I want these:

Knitting Update #4: Blue/Black Pouch

Just finished another one. I don't know about you, but I keep making damn pouches. However, I did learn the purling stitch and how to add different colored yarn (hence the black stripes). I wonder if I'm ready to make a hat?