Fuckin' fat!

The last few days, I've been frequenting the mall quite a bit while being out with the family while my parents attended their gemstone convention. The day before yesterday, I went to Ross (awesome discount store) and got two plaid shirt dresses (you know, the ones that are like super way in fashion at the moment). For example:


I spent about $30 and I felt so excited to be buying myself something new, especially since my sisters say I don't dress up enough and always look like a "homeless man." I think it's because I'm ashamed of how I look, I can't explain nor can I figure out why I couldn't control what I put into my sorry mouth.

I know this time last year I made a pact with myself to lose weight and drop so many pounds by November or which ever weightloss plan I had originally set. I was so confident and excited that moving out for college and losing weight would be the greatest and surest thing to happen. Wrong. Nothing happened. I didn't start actually consistently exercising at the gym on the treadmill until the last 2 months or so. Even then, the last 2 weeks of the second month, I fell off track. I did myself a favor and I actually did gain the so-called "freshman 15." I am now at my fucking heaviest. Whopping, disgusting, unfortunate, no one to blame but myself... 210lbs. What the fuck? The year went by so quickly and I... it's all harder than it seems and time flies by faster than assumed. I had to juggle sharing a living space with someone else, the all-you-can-eat buffet that was included in the "meal plan" at the dorms, the stress of managing college expenses, working, and 5 hour sleeps. I even coerced Nick to buddy-up with me and make a separate weight loss blog in order to keep track with our so-called success.

I have now been home for 1 month and 5 days. I have been so frustrated with other shit that when I finally remembered my weight dilemma, I sighed in surrender. For the past week, I've been saying... I just don't care anymore.

ANYWAYS-back to the new plaid shirts. I wore one for the first time today and I looked in the mirror. I doubted what I saw. Since I didn't care anymore, I didn't stare in the mirror long like I used to do, said "fuck it" and left to drop mom and dad off at the gemstone convention. While at the mall and waiting for the siblings to play at the arcade, I caught myself in the reflection of the mall's mirrors. "Gross, who is that whale? Why are they wearing an unflattering plaid sheet?!" And there it was, the billionth epiphany, "that who is you." I don't deserve these new shirts, I should go back to my pajama pants, sweatshirt, and bathroom flip flops. I have already decided that I was going to return just one of the shirts. Take that $15 and contribute it to another try at something else for a healthier me. Yes, I know, "here we go again." Even I'm thinking it. But I just... I need to keep trying. Better to keep trying than to do nothing, right? I hope so.

I have even tried the 6 small meals throughout the day. That didn't even work for me because I found myself to be having 6 medium to large meals. Like I fucking ate more than I did with just 3 large meals.

What's the next "here we go again"? Nutrition shakes. 1 for breakfast and dinner (since I'm noticing lately that when I go to bed, I feel like throwing up from fullness). Lunch time, I guess, will be my meal of the day. The vitamin shakes are supposed to be 200 calories per serving.

I'm not sure how this will go, but we'll see. I'm not going to over plan this one like I did all those other times. Considering the fact that my success rate at caring for myself has been failures.