One of those days where I have nothing to distract myself from and end up letting my mind wander off into things I have no desire to have in thought.
Why am I the way I am? Quiet. Reserved. My personality can be very much referred to as a "loner," but I don't feel like one. Yet the reference instills a feeling of awkwardness around people. It's not that I don't want to be social, I just feel... tired all the time? Like there are so many issues and things that have happened and that are happening that just makes me, simply, tired. And I crave that time for myself. Time to regroup myself and who I love being. But what seems like an eternity of waiting, I never get that chance of tranquility through silence and detachment. I am always left, I guess... interested? I feel my true self is kind, giving, considerate, energetic, entertaining, and child-like. And maybe sarcastic, too. For the past six years, however, I only have small moments of me. And after those episodes, I go back to the serious, stressed, and anxious me. And my face and body language always expresses that, those things of exhaustion.
No one, unless you've known me for at least five years, knows why. But since I feel like venting, I'll tell the same old thing as I always do. Only a select few people know this, but over the past year I've been accepting what happened at the ages of 5, 7, and 9. I openly and I don't regret telling people that I was abused by men. It happened and I know it has affected me up until now, but it's a part of me and well, it's gone. It's the past and I need to seal up those holes. However, the long-term abuse wasn't actually physical, but rather, mental. My dad contributed to my dilemma through pressure and shelter. Sure when I was 6 years old, I said I wanted to be a doctor, but I don't I don't think that gives a parent to pressure you to be absolutely fucking perfect. Harvard was supposed to be the only college. The choices were Harvard, or get married. Then there was not having friends, no one could come over and vice versa (which still exists as a rule at age 19). I probably get to see one friend every few weeks at a time and God knows it can't be for more than 3 hours. Another exhausting thing is having to cater to him 24/7. A proper female has to serve his every need. A man's need. Meaning back and neck messages every night, making extraordinary feasts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I remember when I was younger, we did his laundry and even went as far as pouring his juice into his glass.
Now that I'm in college, failed at getting Harvard ($$ issues) and I'm in a situation where I had to go away to school that's 10 hours away from home (by car); I learned that these childhood things has made me exhausted of life. I have sampled some things that typical college students do, but I know that's not me. My hugest comfort comes in the form of sleep, and relaxing and doing nothing while sipping tea to quietness. This ideal situation feels like recharge for my battery. No crap to deal with from people, a break from real life. Some may think that my ideal living space of solitude is depressing, but to me, it's a break. I wish so hard that I can have that. I'm naturally an outgoing person, but I take school seriously and I still and always will have my demanding lifestyle, and all I ask for is just a little me time. Which is the main reason why I went away for college.
Hopefully I'll be able to achieve this recharge through an apartment by myself next semester.
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