Just another day

Usual stressful week at the house. Started summer classes. Math is... well, I can't tell yet. Lusi flew today to Russia for the summer (or yesterday?). I hope she has fun and there isn't too much drama. I saw Iember" yesterday... weird in itself lol. Called Jenna, hopefully dad will "let" me go to the movies with her next weekend.

I've been thinking a lot on whether or not I'm... satisfied with myself... life, et cetera. I feel alive, while at the same time I don't. Everyday and all the things that I do, I feel like I'm just "going through the motion." Mere survival. I go to school... not because I want to, but because I have to. I eventually need a great career, to save lives? Ideally. To live and make ends meet? Of course. Everything from doing what my parents/religion expects of me to going to bed because it's late, not because I'm tired; I am robotic. I'm inanimate. I used to think I knew what I wanted to do in order to undo my frozen heart. But even I don't trust or believe nor see sense in any of it. I stare blankly at my surroundings. Is this me? Is this where I live? Or is this where I just, ...habituate? I think my faith is strong in religion, but my faith in myself is weak. I realized that I even demonstrate this unconsciously: when I speak to people, my choice of words formulate confusion; when I do something, I'm not sure where to start or what to do next; I'm not confident under my own skin.

Everyday feels like a dream and I question all the time, is this dullness... lack of infatuation with finding absoluteness, ...reality?