sleepily staring at these recently acknowledged blank, white walls.
maybe within time, they won't be such an eye sore.
still sleepily thinking about myself. who am i? what do i want?
right now i would rather be nothing.
people seem to always categorize into some preconceived notion of a "type" of personality.
nerd. "creative." hipster. religious. loner. lover. weirdo. rebel.

a title. a label.

"more laid back," "not serious enough," "oh... not the type."
no matter what, you are a label.
so different, yet still the same.
obviously not the same as others from different categories, but the same follower as those within the group you identify with.
so what's this mess about not being "cool enough" because you're not "different enough"?
sounds like bullshit to me, really.
or maybe people part because their labels clash, not necessarily because one is better than the other?

...as for me, i've thought about which label i'm categorized best as...
i really don't fit in any.
so maybe for now... i'm an academic droid with no "personality" who is in recurring denial.

yeah, i made that up. but it sounds about right for now.

but "oddly" enough. i don't feel like changing it.

and "oddly" enough. i am slowly accepting that it just might be very much who i am.

...naturally.

eh. g'night.

--edit--

i reread this and the line, "i would rather be nothing" might turn some heads.

i think by using the word "nothing" in such context, i don't literally mean nothing/emptiness.

by "nothing," my thoughts and feelings were more along the lines that people have the tendency to believe that if you don't fit within those common, general labels... you're either "boring" or "out-of-style." Thus, "no personality."

and because i don't comfortably fit among those labels for long periods of time, i would rather be "nothing," under no label.

my label.

Sketchy living situation. Moving... yet again.

I think this is the most financially unfortunate and emotionally unstable that my family has ever been. I was happy and mostly stress-free in San Francisco, but San Diego is like a reality check. This is going to be a tough summer. So much for enjoyable.

But I'll pucker up and stick it out as usual.
AND THEN AUGUST COMES AND I SAY, "BON VOYAGE BITHCES! "
lol I'm just kidding in order to keep my mood in a good place. :)


...But fuck if mom doesn't pay me back, how will I make August rent??
*sighs heavily*

Checking in.

I know lately I've been really upset and losing all hope, but I'm waking up in a better mood these past couple of days. It seems that I'll have a huge break down, take a picture of my poofy-reddened eyes and stare at it for a week. And this time, I actually shared one of them. I also noticed that I'm more prone to these break downs if I have side projects going on at school or whatever else I got going on and dad comes along and just ruins it. Yes, he expects me to drop school or work and put him on a pedestal. His work is "more important."

Anyway, I'm back to ignoring how he makes me feel and another thing that's helping is that I haven't really seen or spoke to him since I was in the ER last week. Walk past him, and go to my room in hopes he doesn't say anything to me.

So the ER determined that I have an "undiagnosed chest condition." Meaning it could either be my heart or lungs and I haven't gotten my Medi-Cal insurance solidified yet to do further diagnostics. People say my health insurance sucks, but it's better than no insurance. What can I do, it's free government insurance until I can find my own real insurance. So far, I'm clear of Deep-Vein Thrombosis and the doctor gave me the OK to return to birth control to regulate my dying uterus (periods every other week). But I think I need to change it to something else. There's something in this medication that makes me sicker than what I am and I certainly don't want to have a stroke two years from now.

I'm scared. But I'm just going to have to keep smiling for now.

New Shoes

R.I.P.

I got an awesome gift from BaoBao today! I so desperately needed a new pair of shoes to replace my 5-6 year old Classic Adidas. They're in good shape, but the soles are ripping out and had holes on the side. I wore them to death! They were my favorite, obviously. But I couldn't afford to replace the $95 shoes. Anyhow, instead of wearing classic white "kicks," I decided to get something more productive like running shoes. That way I can have more "UMPH" when trying to get away from the po-po (aka police).

Haha, just kidding. :P

Aren't they cute? Can't wait to put them to the real test!

So, um, yeah...

Alright, so... yeah. I have been feeling rather strange lately. I suppose it's because it's nearing October of my senior year and I have not applied to any college or university yet. Counselors and what not have assured me that I'm fine and whatever. I am also not sure if I have what they label as "senioritis" because I have been quite indifferent since the school year started. Just been real mellow and so on and so forth. I almost forgot to mention that dad wants to spend $400 on a crash SAT course so I can bring my SAT scores up. His inspirational words were, "you better not screw this up."

I'm done being upset about being so consumed in family affairs and forgetting about SATs. My offer was that I can just attend decent state schools (San Diego State University, California State University--Los Angeles, et cetera) and save the $400 for a new tire or pay off the cable bill we so desperately need to do. California state schools admit their applicants based on an Eligibility Index by combing SAT scores and GPA and do not require SAT Subject Tests. Their eligibility ranges (for CA residents) are 2800 to 2900 and mine is about 3684. In terms of time and saving myself stress, I have accepted and found it reasonable to target schools that do not require Subject Tests. To be honest, I really don't want his money because of his attitude and the fact that I feel guilty for taking it. He'd be very upset if I fuck this up again, especially since he forked up money for preparation.

My school schedule is also on the shakes. I have two and four hour blocks for the first time in my life. So far, my schedule includes Honors English IV, Math IV, Government & Econ., Integrated Sciences, Patient Care 112, and Hospital Internships. But I feel so bored! I almost fell asleep in government today and day dreamed in math. I'm also trying to think up ideas for my Honors English project. And I'm considering signing up for Honors Government or Sciences. Something? I dunno.

Yeah, yeah, I'm still working on newspaper details. (I want to work in Kung-Fu club somewhere.)

The social atmosphere has grown as well. I'm noticing a lot of formations of "clicks" or whatever it's called. I have never experienced such firm groupings of friends before. Kind of feeling outcasted...

Anyway. Ramadan is going alright, I owe many days because I haven't been able to fast. I got sick two weeks into it with Bronchitis (I'm back on antibiotics and prednisone) and then the monthly menses (women are exused from prayer, fasts, etc. when they are on it).

I'm also struggling with money. I'm not sure how I'll pay my cell phone bill next month and I am in the process of creating flyers to hang up around the neighborhood to offer tutoring for elementary and middle school students.

'Til next. <3

PS: Weekend agenda ~ Do homework, DL Maid of Honor, get Office 2007?