These past few days I have been feeling rather insecure. Maybe it is because summer seems to have surfaced, heat waves have flourished... and everyone is enjoying their thin, light summer attire.

Most of the things in my closest are heavy and dark. Better to cover and hide my flaws.

Earlier today, I lurked H&M in attempt to use the $6 discount card from my Wrapp app. Of course my excitement quickly wilted as soon as I went to the dressing room with my very few desired items (thanks to them not carrying anything more than mediums and very, very few large sizes... extra large does not even exist there).

Felt so big.

Nothing hugged me flatteringly.

Oh and I have also learned why my parents "trust" me so much while I am away from their home and they reassure their friends in confidence that I am incredibly religious and have committed the littlest of sins. Apparently their confidence stems from the belief that males will not be interested in a chubby girl.

...And apparently my thinner siblings, the apparently "more attractive" offspring, cannot move out. Oh but I can.

So yes. I have been feeling insecure and hating my existence. Blah.

No smoking, please.

You have just told me you consumed 15 cigarettes today. You have also admitted that "one pack" a day is your norm lately.

"Lately" for all I know anyway. Knowing you, you could have been doing this for ages and have been hiding it from me.

After I left this morning, I requested that you try to live a healthier life since I have noticed the loud rattling noises coming from your lungs as of late. Eagerly inhaling so many doses of pollutants has convinced me that I will become a widow at a young age. A widow who has incurred massive debt thanks to your stubborn ways. I have become reacquainted with feelings of immense disappointment... and most bothersome... feelings of uncertainty of our future together as an item. The stench of excuses on top of excuses spew out from those carcinogenic lips. I feel submerged in foolery. How do I know that my efforts are a wise investment? No one is perfect, I am trying to be aware of this.

But... is this not going overboard?

I'm back.

For some reason I have found myself to return to Blogspot. Tumblr is great and all, but I could not find myself to see it as a medium for blogging. I have given it a chance. No I probably will not discontinue using it... but if I am bored, on the toilet... most likely in a public place, I will take a stroll through Tumblr and nose my way through what others wanted to publicize.

I miss writing my thoughts. I am not sure why I do. Maybe I am intimidated by how many people in real life... that I know face-to-face actually read my Tumblr? Perhaps I prefer the lack of fame and invisibility I get to have on an actual blog forum? Tumblr feels like a Facebooker's attempt at blogging without words. Ha. Facebook. Tumblr. I am on neither often.

Whatever. We'll see how this facade of mine lasts.

who in a relationship has to work so hard just to get the actual truth?!

a simple question leads to an interrogation. i’m not controlling at all. it just breaks my heart to find out later i’ve been lied to.

why. just why.

you make me want to curl up into a ball and cry at the world.

i know you can love me with all your heart. but why can’t you be honest with me like the way you supposedly love me. i want to believe that honest is supposed to be coupled with love.

all of this over cigarettes  i shouldn’t have to feel this way over cigarettes  i feel this way because you lie and promise me empty promises to my face about it.

and it hurts. it hurts how big of a lie you can create over such a small thing. i want to help you through quitting, but it pains my heart to offer you such genuine support and trust to help you through your addiction when you spit all over it with lies.

Finally figured it out...

So after being on the back burner forever, I finally spent maybe an hour last Friday figuring out how to back-up all my blog posts dating all the way back from 2007.

I did it.
All 300MB of posts and images backed up onto my computer (I really need to get an external HD in case my computer decides to die on me again).

So...yeah. I really don't have anything holding me back from trying out Tumblr as new real estate for my personal posts.

No excuses now...
...Just have to go and make a few clicks.
The question now is when.
D:

Bun heaven ;__;

yummy lai wong bao :9

i'm such a happy panda :3

(sigh) oh my shameful worldly desires.

Priority purchase.

Holy shit, they make nebulizers in cute animal forms now??

Anyway, eBay would be the place where I can purchase a nebulizer for cheap w/o a prescription.

I keep hesitating on this purchase, but I should've had a portable nebulizer a long time ago in case of emergencies considering I do live alone without health insurance.

Fml.

...pneumonia? bronchitis? :(

I feel awful. As each day progresses, my body becomes more and more sore with aches. My coughs become wetter, more yellow and painful to my chest. I need to bring myself to purchase an at-home nebulizer/breathing machine. Today was the first time in my life that my body started shivering tremendously along with the fever. I felt cold... so frozen, yet my face and ears were burning.

Doing homework is so difficult... :'(

Why did this had to happen right when tough class assignments start their due dates and quizzes start rolling around???

I hate going to lecture. I am the loudest coughing, sneezing and nose dripping student. Maybe I'll skip those lectures that don't take attendance and only attend labs?

Happy 22nd Birthday, Di~!

Long time pal. :)

Happy 25th Birthday, babe!

...so old...

lol just kidding.

My next desired purchase... :')

I want a small complete gongfu cha set ~_~

school...:(

so.... i'm super sleepy and overwhelmed and possibly afraid of what's to come.

for now i'm in...

bio 240 (crashing, was promised an add code)
chem 115 (enrolled)

physics 111/112 (enrolled, waiting to pass readiness exam so i can stay enrolled)

psych 200 (enrolled, but will drop if i can add bio and/or physics)

sci 111 (enrolled)
sci 115 (enrolled)

math 226-calculus (enrolled, but wanting to drop because i'm intimidated by the material.....)

so far... 17-18 units

i'm such a sad, sad panda -_-

Rack City Remix... BAHAHA

Broke city, trick!
Broke, broke city, trick!
Pennies, pennies, nickles, dimes,
and them quarters, trick!!!

Genmaicha

I decided to try genmaicha (brown rice/popcorn green tea) today. When I opened the bag, I noticed that it was covered in matcha powder (Matcha-iri genmaicha). How exciting! ^o^ Anywho. I sniffed the contents and it carried a very light, almost unnoticeable scent of popcorn. I was sort of skeptical because I couldn't pick up any trace of green tea (or for that matter, the strong scent of green tea that I am used to).

I brewed for about 3 minutes... I wanted the lightest brew possible.After pouring it through a strainer, the color was actually a darker green instead of the yellow pictured above. My camera isn't the best, so I'm pretty upset it showed up as yellow. However I was able to capture the powder/cloudy aspect of the tea. After a while, the dust settled down (LOL the saying made me chuckle) and sunk to the bottom. The more it settled, the more clear the tea became.

The aroma after brewing had a more mild popcorn scent with a (brown) rice undertone. I sat for a minute to see what kind of aroma therapy effects it had... and sadly, it was just "nice." It didn't do much relaxing for me physically nor mentally as longjing did. I also noticed that after 30 or so minutes of consumption, my stomach felt a bit unsettled. Since genmaicha has a similar taste to the tea they serve at sushi restaurants (without the added matcha powder), I am assuming that the matcha powder annoyed my GERD. I would try it again, but since it feels like there are more negatives than positives... matcha-iri genmaicha is not my go-to tea. :(

-- edit --
I was thinking about as to why I was so displeased with genmaicha. But then I remembered an article I read. Apparently this tea is a commoner's tea and historically, the roasted rice was added to the tea to bring costs down thus making it more "affordable." Whereas longjing was labeled as an imperial tea because of its high qualities. I guess I am already spoiled, lol.

Green Tea Sampler

By the recommendation of DiDi, I ordered a green tea sampler from Floating Leaves Tea. It includes genmaicha "brown rice tea," house green, longjing "dragon well," jasmine pearls and a sample of bao zhong.

So far, I decided to try longjing first since I learned about it first and it is supposedly a high quality green tea that's ideal for relaxation and thinking.

I'm not sure how credible my source is, but a temperature of 167 degrees fahrenheit is best for infusion and for longjing, a brewing time of 2-3 minutes is ideal.

This is my first experience of brewing tea using whole leaves. I now understand what it means for a teabag to have that "paper" taste and after enjoying longjing's gentle sweet aroma and airy nutty profile, I don't think I will ever return to the heavy feeling, dusty profile a teabag carries (at least by choice anyways). Green tea in a teabag tastes so much different, bitter and mostly uncouth. During tasting, I had an open mind and I felt that longjing definitely has an uplifting and relaxing affect both physically and mentally. I am so glad I got the sampler, I can't wait to taste the others. :)

I love the 99¢ Only Store!

GUESS WHO GOT FOUR NIVEA LIP BALMS FOR $4??? I did, yes sir indeedy. >xD

I usually get Chapstick, but all they had were Nivea and Blistex. I'm glad I'm trying out Nivea, absorbs better and lasts longer on my lips.

sleepily staring at these recently acknowledged blank, white walls.
maybe within time, they won't be such an eye sore.
still sleepily thinking about myself. who am i? what do i want?
right now i would rather be nothing.
people seem to always categorize into some preconceived notion of a "type" of personality.
nerd. "creative." hipster. religious. loner. lover. weirdo. rebel.

a title. a label.

"more laid back," "not serious enough," "oh... not the type."
no matter what, you are a label.
so different, yet still the same.
obviously not the same as others from different categories, but the same follower as those within the group you identify with.
so what's this mess about not being "cool enough" because you're not "different enough"?
sounds like bullshit to me, really.
or maybe people part because their labels clash, not necessarily because one is better than the other?

...as for me, i've thought about which label i'm categorized best as...
i really don't fit in any.
so maybe for now... i'm an academic droid with no "personality" who is in recurring denial.

yeah, i made that up. but it sounds about right for now.

but "oddly" enough. i don't feel like changing it.

and "oddly" enough. i am slowly accepting that it just might be very much who i am.

...naturally.

eh. g'night.

--edit--

i reread this and the line, "i would rather be nothing" might turn some heads.

i think by using the word "nothing" in such context, i don't literally mean nothing/emptiness.

by "nothing," my thoughts and feelings were more along the lines that people have the tendency to believe that if you don't fit within those common, general labels... you're either "boring" or "out-of-style." Thus, "no personality."

and because i don't comfortably fit among those labels for long periods of time, i would rather be "nothing," under no label.

my label.

"Do you ever just sit down and count your blessings? Being healthy. Able to walk. Eating a meal. Able to speak. Having a family. $ to spend." - Polo

Hope 2012 is as blessed as 2011.
Happy New Years. :)

Christian Louboutin... dream

Bikki 140 Pony Mary Jane Pumps, $581

Bikki 140 Leather Mary Jane Pumps, $581

Pampas Pumps 150mm, $551

Lady Daf 160mm Pumps Amethyst, $581