I am my own Valentine

I'm quite exhausted. I spent the day in turmoil because just this once, just once, I didn't want to be the one who remembered to say Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetheart. As always, I have to initiate everything in order to feel appreciated the way I want to be. Why can't it be understood that my heart desires little things? Huge, extravagant gifts do not matter. It's the fact that I was remembered and for once, letting me pity your feelings wasn't a concern. So yeah, that was lurking in the back of my head all day.

On the other hand, I had a dentist appointment and had two fillings done. I also got conversationally terrorized by my 8-year dentist regarding my lack of duty to floss and questioned why I can cook lobster better than his assistants. Anyway. I have impacted wisdom teeth and require surgery. I have a referral to see an oral surgeon, but we all know my anxiety prevents me from making that phone call. I paid the phone bill, wrote out some checks, put gas in the car (long lines and got cut off by two elderly bitches), dropped dad off at law library, picked up brother, got donuts (depression caved in), bitched at a cashier about returns, went home to find computer fucked over by trojans (no pun intended), picked dad up, and spontaneously went on a walk at Harbor Island. I saw two weddings going on, how cliche. I mean come on, Valentine's Day?? At least do it on a random holiday, like Halloween or something. Or 4th of July. Anyway, I took a random shot from my phone during the walk:

Gorgeous, isn't it? I just wish I felt as breathtaking as the picture. Anyway, back to my paper on thermodynamics...

PS: The book I mentioned in a previous post, The 19th Wife, is a great read. Nearly halfway done (attempting to finish whenever I have spare time).

Life is like a slice of pie

Alright, so today is Thanksgiving. Although we didn't have the usual turkey dinner, I am thankful to be alive, to have a family, and the close friends that I do have. It kind of felt like just another Thursday. It's a bit unfortunate because school goes back in session on Monday and I have to see those immature dumbfucks again. I didn't say that! =o (Can you tell I'm ready for the solitude that college offers? :D)

Speaking of which, college acceptances are going alright, I guess. The only one I am excited about is San Francisco State. It's far from San Diego, but still in California. My acceptances are Cal State Sacramento, San Francisco State, Cal State Dominguez Hills, Cal State East Bay, and Northern Arizona University. As of last Tuesday, I applied to San Diego State just in case FAFSA doesn't help me pay for housing at 'Frisco. I really want to apply to Howard University in D.C., but dad said no because it's "black" and isn't "suitable" for where I "want to go." Anyway, so I am secretly working on applications for Ohio State and Michigan State. Although I doubt I'll get accepted, I want to at least try a shot at the "harder" schools. But hey, I guess I should be happy. I'm doing pretty good for someone who didn't really study for the SATs, ...right?

So this afternoon, I vented my stresses and baked two pies. I baked a creamy-nutty-blueberry pie and an old fashion cherry pie. They were my first attempt at making pies. They turned out pretty good, but next time, I think I'll defy dad's wishes and make a complete dough top. Maybe next month I'll make a apple pie.

Pictures!

Blueberry pie

Cherry Pie


Oh well, I tried. Next time, I'm going to rule out the nutty crumb topping. =)

I'm off to feel loved by Robin Thicke, goodnight.

<3

2 Weeks in Condensed Format

OK,

- Working on newspaper again, going nuts and I am actually nervous because I have never directed 40 people
- Ramadan is over, Eid-al-Fitr was alright
- I got henna done and my Eid gift was from mom and it was an 8GB mp4 player



- I got bronchitis again and have been taking one garlic clove 3x/day, it has calmed it down a whole lot... but I fear it may not be enough
- I began breaking out in horrible acne, which has never happened to me before
- Tonight, I made a facial mask of rice flour, bubuk kencur (cutcherry powder), lime juice, and rose water



I look disgustingly tired...

Morning Walk to School

So, now that school has relocated to a building closer to my house (few blocks away versus the previous 15 minute drive) and I now walk to school. On most mornings anyway. During my walks, I came up with the idea to take pictures of things on my way there. The sky, flowers, dogs, whatever. On this Monday morning, I finally remembered to bring the digital camera. Here goes:


The shoes I decided to wear... my favorite classic Addidas.


A snapshot of the street a block down from my house. That telephone looks crooked.


Blurry shot of someone's flower bush. (I was power walking away from a dog that was chasing me.)


An old, crusty, dirty back alley that I cut through. Yes, it's my "short cut."


The strange dog who does not bark at me anymore and whose eyes has went from vicious meat eater to... complete emptiness.


The bridge that I love to cross. It sits over the busy California I-15 North, which eventually leads to Los Angeles.


Freeway view.


The end.

Lost in a Literary Dreamworld...

Well, it's midnight already and I just finished reading Keeping You a Secret by Julie Peters. My school emphasizes literacy and demands their students to hold at least two novels while on campus (of course to motivate reading for pleasure). So, my professor recommended Peters' book because I felt like being spontaneous and wanted to read something I would never thought I would read. And she gave me a recommendation alright, a book about teen lesbianism. At first, it was difficult to read because I was not comfortable with the behaviors coming from the characters. Long story short, I finished the book, but the book itself made me feel empty. Unsatisfied, I suppose. I believe the dissatisfaction is from the fact it was an easy read. The language was plain. Dry. Unyielding. When I read, I like to get lost in the story, the characters, the imagery, and most importantly... the unique and beautiful use of language. The author, in my opinion, has to be clever with syntax... I want the words to caress my mind with... with.... agh, I'm going to call it... "literary liquor." If that makes any sense.

So, I began Googling and searching titles that may be of interest to me. Although I was disappointed that none of the libraries have any of the novels I wanted, I still wanted to compose a "must read" list.


- A Young Girl's Crimes by David Rehak

A Young Girl's Crimes is a gripping, thought provoking tale of a teenager who loses her innocence in the most disturbing ways. Flora is a girl who has had everything in life -- after all, her father is wealthy and influential -- save her freedom. Her father is domineering and abusive and does whatever is possible to keep Flora locked up in the mansion. But Flora rebels in the most disarming ways. She seeks love and attention in all the wrong places, only to feel emptiness afterwards. In an attempt to clean up her act, she turns to God to find spiritual guidance and escape her inner demos. However, the odyssey to self-discovery has just begun... The novel also incorporates the use of dark language...

- The 19th Wife: A Novel by David Ebershoff

This exquisite tour de force explores the dark roots of polygamy and its modern-day fruit in a renegade cult...Ebershoff (The Danish Girl) brilliantly blends a haunting fictional narrative by Ann Eliza Young, the real-life 19th “rebel” wife of Mormon leader Brigham Young, with the equally compelling contemporary narrative of fictional Jordan Scott, a 20-year-old gay man…With the topic of plural marriage and its shattering impact on women and powerless children in today's headlines, this novel is essential reading for anyone seeking understanding of the subject.

- The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky

It is (among many things) a satire of human corruption, a meditation on faith and religious institutions in an age of skepticism, a murder mystery involving love triangles, a courtroom thriller and in the end a testament to the goodness and bravery humans are capable of. The story follows the lives of old man Karamazov, a filthy penny-pinching lech and his three sons. Each son represents a different side to the Russian character: Dimitri the spoiled lout (or the prodigal son), Ivan the tortured intellect, and Alyosha the spiritual searcher. Alyosha, Dostoevsy says, is our hero. And he does represent a certain Christian ideal. He, in the end, stands for brotherhood and meekness in the face of temptation. These qualities, no doubt, are what Dostoevsky suggests will preserve and redeem the Russian nation. All around Alyosha is the carnage caused by people who are not awake to this truth -- and they wallow in suffering.This book, the last Dostoevsky wrote, also presents an intricate political/religious landscape. We see Russia on the brink of socialist forment, and the church is not spared in the skepitism of characters like Ivan, who, in the 'Grand Inquisitor' chapter, presents the most spine tingling critique of organized religion...

It took me a good 45 minutes to find something I'd like to really read. Since the library doesn't have these titles and I am too broke and impatient to buy it off the Internet, what do I do? I am literally dying (no pun intended) for a great and intense read. Anyway, it's almost 1AM.

Goodnight and sweet dreams...

So, um, yeah...

Alright, so... yeah. I have been feeling rather strange lately. I suppose it's because it's nearing October of my senior year and I have not applied to any college or university yet. Counselors and what not have assured me that I'm fine and whatever. I am also not sure if I have what they label as "senioritis" because I have been quite indifferent since the school year started. Just been real mellow and so on and so forth. I almost forgot to mention that dad wants to spend $400 on a crash SAT course so I can bring my SAT scores up. His inspirational words were, "you better not screw this up."

I'm done being upset about being so consumed in family affairs and forgetting about SATs. My offer was that I can just attend decent state schools (San Diego State University, California State University--Los Angeles, et cetera) and save the $400 for a new tire or pay off the cable bill we so desperately need to do. California state schools admit their applicants based on an Eligibility Index by combing SAT scores and GPA and do not require SAT Subject Tests. Their eligibility ranges (for CA residents) are 2800 to 2900 and mine is about 3684. In terms of time and saving myself stress, I have accepted and found it reasonable to target schools that do not require Subject Tests. To be honest, I really don't want his money because of his attitude and the fact that I feel guilty for taking it. He'd be very upset if I fuck this up again, especially since he forked up money for preparation.

My school schedule is also on the shakes. I have two and four hour blocks for the first time in my life. So far, my schedule includes Honors English IV, Math IV, Government & Econ., Integrated Sciences, Patient Care 112, and Hospital Internships. But I feel so bored! I almost fell asleep in government today and day dreamed in math. I'm also trying to think up ideas for my Honors English project. And I'm considering signing up for Honors Government or Sciences. Something? I dunno.

Yeah, yeah, I'm still working on newspaper details. (I want to work in Kung-Fu club somewhere.)

The social atmosphere has grown as well. I'm noticing a lot of formations of "clicks" or whatever it's called. I have never experienced such firm groupings of friends before. Kind of feeling outcasted...

Anyway. Ramadan is going alright, I owe many days because I haven't been able to fast. I got sick two weeks into it with Bronchitis (I'm back on antibiotics and prednisone) and then the monthly menses (women are exused from prayer, fasts, etc. when they are on it).

I'm also struggling with money. I'm not sure how I'll pay my cell phone bill next month and I am in the process of creating flyers to hang up around the neighborhood to offer tutoring for elementary and middle school students.

'Til next. <3

PS: Weekend agenda ~ Do homework, DL Maid of Honor, get Office 2007?

Molasses?

Alrighty. I feel better today, still feeling betrayed, but better.

So, I'm noticing my hair when I brush it every morning after I wake up. It feels and looks different, but I don't want to just assume things because I changed my regime a bit. Remember last time when I tried different oils to naturally make my hair healthy? Well, I finally obtained a bottle of blackstrap molasses (smells so disgusting) and whipped up some kind of concoction that I think turned out well.

- 1/2 c. Plantation Blackstrap Molasses
- 3 drops 100% Omega 3-6-9 Total EFA Fish Oil
- 2 tbsp. Clover Honey
- 4 tbsp. Creme of Nature Conditioner (without sodium lauryl sulfate)
- 1 drop 100% E.O. Rosemary

Before:

After:

The before picture looked good, but my hair seemed too heavy compared to the after pictures. I also stopped using Avocado oil for a while. Now I just use Ylang Ylang with virgin olive oil and from time to time virgin coconut oil. But a majority of the time, it's the Ylang Ylang mixture. I think the molasses mix balanced my hair's thickness. The after picture looks more lively than the before, I thought. My hair is also softer and darker in pigment. Shall I keep using this? :-)