Checking in.

I know lately I've been really upset and losing all hope, but I'm waking up in a better mood these past couple of days. It seems that I'll have a huge break down, take a picture of my poofy-reddened eyes and stare at it for a week. And this time, I actually shared one of them. I also noticed that I'm more prone to these break downs if I have side projects going on at school or whatever else I got going on and dad comes along and just ruins it. Yes, he expects me to drop school or work and put him on a pedestal. His work is "more important."

Anyway, I'm back to ignoring how he makes me feel and another thing that's helping is that I haven't really seen or spoke to him since I was in the ER last week. Walk past him, and go to my room in hopes he doesn't say anything to me.

So the ER determined that I have an "undiagnosed chest condition." Meaning it could either be my heart or lungs and I haven't gotten my Medi-Cal insurance solidified yet to do further diagnostics. People say my health insurance sucks, but it's better than no insurance. What can I do, it's free government insurance until I can find my own real insurance. So far, I'm clear of Deep-Vein Thrombosis and the doctor gave me the OK to return to birth control to regulate my dying uterus (periods every other week). But I think I need to change it to something else. There's something in this medication that makes me sicker than what I am and I certainly don't want to have a stroke two years from now.

I'm scared. But I'm just going to have to keep smiling for now.

An attempt at laughter...

Dear Dad,

you never realize how stressed and pressured you make me feel. you make me never want to be around you. i want to go to san francisco and never come back. i'm tired of it. everyday, i cry. everyday, i want to not live anymore. i stare through the kitchen window and cry. if you don't care, then i don't care. you make me want to drop out of college and just be nothing but an object at your disposal. why can't you do things yourself, why do you refuse to learn how to something. i hate myself, i hate living, everyday is unfortunate because i realize i'm still alive when i wake up. maybe i should just keep taking these medications and keep going to the ER until i don't get to leave. i can't believe you had me walk back to the car for my wallet while in the ER. if i could do that, i wouldn't need to be at the fucking hospital. you make me not ever want to get married. i just want to be alone. i don't want to see people, i hate going out just to do something for myself because you make me regret it when i get back home. i try to you love you. i always make excuses for you.