happy birthday to me.
:|

I crave pastel nail polish and a giant d**bie. F*CK MY B-DAY, I just want to be happy.

Apartment necessities that I currently can't afford...

Oh yeah, I guess I haven't mentioned that I won't be living on-campus anymore. I have an in-law apartment (2bed/1ba, small living room area, full kitchen, ocean view of Daly City). I can't afford the $1,200/mo rent on loans so I found a place near school for $625. I still get to have my own room. On the list (listed in order of priority) there's:

1. August Rent
2. Asthma Nebulizer (not pictured)
3. Air Purifier or Ionic Pro (to ease my asthma+allergies)
4. Twin sized bed sheets (solid neutral color)
5. Pillows
6. Baking pan
7. Pots/pans with lids
8. Groceries
   

There's other things, but they're not so much necessities.

Words I Never Said - Lupe Fiasco

I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion that's why I despise it
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I’m scared of even telling you
Sometimes I’m like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I’m locked inside a cell in me, I know that there’s a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through...

Am I Lost?

I had so many thoughts going through my mind while waking up this morning. I realized that I really do take words seriously. Not just words in general, but words and their definitions as well as the intentions behind it (whether it may or may not involve malice). It seems that most people (I was going to use the word individuals, but I decided not to because it is very rare that they can recognize their own individuality that has not been formulated/defined by what is required to be socially "acceptable") really are truly unaware of everything around them. They do not pay attention. They do not evaluate an entire conversation or consider the whole spectrum. Then they give blind responses that they believe are intelligent, but rather they are just restatements of what you just said. As I broaden my social interactions with people and the conversations that we have, whether important or not (most times not because most people can't carry a conversation that goes beyond celebrity mishaps), it makes me feel genuinely sad. At first I used to think, "are people just stupid, uninterested, or lazy??" I am not speaking with the intention to offend, but rather I am speaking from a perspective that is concerned. Which brings me to the following realization and acceptance: it is not anyone's fault. Because it IS so socially acceptable to think and behave a particular way, it has lead us to having not much of a choice but to be groomed by such an environment. Beverly Tatum actually made a point by using smog as an example: if there is smog in the air, we can't help but breathe it and live with the effects. We can try to clean up the air, but regardless, it will still be there.

So where the hell is this rant coming from? My continuous thoughts on not just why society is so pathetic, but also the curiosity to know why certain racial comments or stereotypes exist and why such a limited mindset is so common.

If I am Muslim, why do I have to be a terrorist? Oppressed?
If I am dark skinned, why am I expected to be inept?
If I am of mixed heritage, why don't I have the same validity as someone who is "pure" bred? It's like being brought back to being 3/5ths of a person. (note: White people are not the only ones doing it, there is racism amongst people of color too.)

Instead of asking what is your race, maybe we should refocus our questions to ask what is your identity? Because when it comes down to it, who you are is basically based on how you identify yourself religiously, ethnically/culturally, etc. Some call me Black because my skin is darker than theirs and maybe because I was raised in an environment that was not as financially advantageous as others. Some people think I am a "traitor" because I might take a side from a person who is from a different race (which is silly because I do not think that way, I take sides that is most logical and fair).

But so far... as of this morning, I think my identity is not specifically inclusive.

I identify myself as human
And I am compassionate.

I think this is the most financially unfortunate and emotionally unstable that my family has ever been. I was happy and mostly stress-free in San Francisco, but San Diego is like a reality check. This is going to be a tough summer. So much for enjoyable.

But I'll pucker up and stick it out as usual.
AND THEN AUGUST COMES AND I SAY, "BON VOYAGE BITHCES! "
lol I'm just kidding in order to keep my mood in a good place. :)


...But fuck if mom doesn't pay me back, how will I make August rent??
*sighs heavily*

Heh. Gotta love free airport Internet. :)

I am so glad there's a new movie from the perspective of a Hispanic immigrant. At some point we were all immigrants and I just feel that a lot of the bullshit that is/has being/been done and said should at least have a little more sensitivity. And honestly, they really are doing work that most of us are too bourgeoisie to perform. I can't wait to see this and I hope I won't cry too much, lol.

Pet Peeve Numero Uno: People who do a half-ass job at cleaning.

2 finals down, 1 BIG one to go!

Wow. Thanks guys for the early surprise birthday party last night. I wasn't expecting it and I enjoyed the company, food, gifts. LOVE Y'ALL! :)

* No make-up on today.
* Didn't sleep well because I kept coughing up green phlegm.
* Have bronchitis again. Inhaler wasn't working and have spent 2 hours everyday this week at the health center receiving treatments. I'm also on steroids to keep the lungs open and antibiotics.
* Sleepy like a mo-f0
* 1 final down, 2 more to go
* Need to pack and start moving into the new place. Too lazy, though.
* Career choices up in the air again. Considering on settling just being a Physician's Assistant instead of the full blown M.D.
* Damn, I'm broke.

Man. Asthma sure does make me tired. *sigh*

The prednisone did not work.
Dad was admitted into the hospital just now... doctors have no prediction on how long he has to be there.
So yeah. In a depressed mood this Mother's Day.
Expect me to want some space.

Tirade intercepted by my focus on finals
and bundles of homework.
I feel like such a damn zombie right now.
So... sleepy...
Off to class I go...
6_6

Instead of studying for finals and working on projects, I'm briefly procrastinating by comparing/contrasting and developing my own interpretations of Corinthians 1, Chapter 11 and Qur'an, Chapter 24, Verse 31.

Stay tuned for a tirade...

P.S. Do not disturb. Thank you. :)

Too bad today's event won't bring back our attention to DOMESTIC terrorists. Oh f***ing puh-lease.