Mumbo Jumbo

• So tired, my guess is because of the 4 weeks of period. Making me anemic or something.
  
• Winter break is practically over! Guh, I fly back to San Francisco Sunday night. I hope the storm is over so I don't get delayed... If I do, I'll get there super late and don't have enough money to take a taxicab as the bus lines close down at 11pm.
  
• Knitting is on a momentary hault, but I bought new yarns... white and red XD
• I don't want to go back to school.......... actually, the dorms just ruin everything.
• My feet have been peeling since November and I thought it was athlete's foot, but I guess it isn't! Dad let me try his medicine his doctor prescribed and it worked within 24hours! I suppose it's just his bad genetics kicking in
• Glytone Retexturize Cream is the shit, but it's expensive :(
• I want these:

Knitting Update #4: Blue/Black Pouch

Just finished another one. I don't know about you, but I keep making damn pouches. However, I did learn the purling stitch and how to add different colored yarn (hence the black stripes). I wonder if I'm ready to make a hat?

F**k the First Semester

♪ "When Love Takes Over" - David Guetta f/Kelly Rowland

Finally got my grades for the Fall semester. And... needless to say, I am very much disappointed and somewhat depressed. My transfer GPA to SFSU was 3.86 (while my SFSU GPA was 0.0 of course). And now that the first semester at SFSU is over, I... I was embarrassed to mention it, and even went as far as thinking I failed medical school before even applying, but whatever. I need to accept it and move on to fix it. My cumulative GPA dropped down to 3.42 and my SFSU GPA is a 2.70. Yes, that's right. The first time in my life that I have ever been below 3.50. I almost cried. If that remedial math course that I got an 'A' actually counted, I would probably be at least a 3.0.

I guess I should look at the bright side, my cumulative GPA is over 3.0.....

I'm done sobbing. I'm going to move on and make myself try differently. Spring semester, I am only taking 3 courses (12 units). I am going to spread out my hours at work more throughout the week so I actually have some days where I get off at 3PM (giving me 2-3 extra hours to study during the day).

Next year... if I don't get that Resident Assistant's job (my own room as well as free housing and meals), I won't be holding any other job. I will be 100% on loans whether I like it or not. I can't afford to have another semester with crap grades again. Especially since I noticed I can't pull late nights like I used to in high school. *sigh* I just can't be superwoman anymore.

A Moment of Self Reflection

♪ "Cello Suite 1" - Bach

Since I have been home, I feel different. Things are strange... I feel strange.

It was weird to have so much freedom, but now that I have returned, things are back to the way they were and dad refuses to change it. The fact that I am a full-time employee, student, and have actually incurred my own credit/debts does not affect nor alter my "duties" to serve him. I realized that these facts have instilled a kind of fear within myself... a fear that inhibits any courage to make any kind of requests. And because of that, I don't see friends from high school. I don't go for walks, I just sit in my bed... cuddled with Hello Kitty and knit my woes away.

I force myself to have a happy and calm smile. But when my spirit is tired of pretending, I find myself becoming two things:
1) Mean, irritable, inpatient, short-tempered, etc.
2) Passive, indifferent, unresponsive, distant, and always daydreaming

Sometimes I wish that my family can see the true, real me. When I am away from them (mainly dad) I feel like myself and the heaviness I feel in my stomach is gone. I am genuinely sweet, quiet, and considerate. But here, I am always on the defense. I am always needing to defend my need to be acknowledged, respected, and treated fairly. No verbal abuse, no guilt-tripping... just treat me like a human being.

I don't like who I am when I am pretending. I have even tried not to, but it doesn't last for long. I feel that I seeing more of my passive/distant persona. There are days where I just don't say a word to anyone. I realized something, something that truly and deeply bothers me: I think I may have chronic depression. I never thought it, but I just don't want to do anything. Things I once did, I don't do anymore. I don't interact with people anymore... I don't text anymore, I don't call people, I keep calls short, I don't chat on messenger. The way to get me to turn on my computer is if someone calls or texts me to. I just... I just don't feel the need to interact with anyone. I suppose I feel I waste people's time because certain circumstances prevent me from being the companion they deserve to have. I don't want to fail others.

No one can understand the difficulty I am having. I have tried explaining it, but most just reply with, "well can't you just go?" as if it so easy and simple. The possibility of being shunned and the amount of guilt they will impose will weigh my life down. It wouldn't be worth it.

I also sleep so much, to where days just pass and pass. And yet, I will wake up so tired. So very tired.

And so it's here...