Since I have been home, I feel different. Things are strange... I feel strange.
It was weird to have so much freedom, but now that I have returned, things are back to the way they were and dad refuses to change it. The fact that I am a full-time employee, student, and have actually incurred my own credit/debts does not affect nor alter my "duties" to serve him. I realized that these facts have instilled a kind of fear within myself... a fear that inhibits any courage to make any kind of requests. And because of that, I don't see friends from high school. I don't go for walks, I just sit in my bed... cuddled with Hello Kitty and knit my woes away.
I force myself to have a happy and calm smile. But when my spirit is tired of pretending, I find myself becoming two things:
1) Mean, irritable, inpatient, short-tempered, etc.
2) Passive, indifferent, unresponsive, distant, and always daydreaming
Sometimes I wish that my family can see the true, real me. When I am away from them (mainly dad) I feel like myself and the heaviness I feel in my stomach is gone. I am genuinely sweet, quiet, and considerate. But here, I am always on the defense. I am always needing to defend my need to be acknowledged, respected, and treated fairly. No verbal abuse, no guilt-tripping... just treat me like a human being.
I don't like who I am when I am pretending. I have even tried not to, but it doesn't last for long. I feel that I seeing more of my passive/distant persona. There are days where I just don't say a word to anyone. I realized something, something that truly and deeply bothers me: I think I may have chronic depression. I never thought it, but I just don't want to do anything. Things I once did, I don't do anymore. I don't interact with people anymore... I don't text anymore, I don't call people, I keep calls short, I don't chat on messenger. The way to get me to turn on my computer is if someone calls or texts me to. I just... I just don't feel the need to interact with anyone. I suppose I feel I waste people's time because certain circumstances prevent me from being the companion they deserve to have. I don't want to fail others.
No one can understand the difficulty I am having. I have tried explaining it, but most just reply with, "well can't you just go?" as if it so easy and simple. The possibility of being shunned and the amount of guilt they will impose will weigh my life down. It wouldn't be worth it.
I also sleep so much, to where days just pass and pass. And yet, I will wake up so tired. So very tired.
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