These past few days I have been feeling rather insecure. Maybe it is because summer seems to have surfaced, heat waves have flourished... and everyone is enjoying their thin, light summer attire.

Most of the things in my closest are heavy and dark. Better to cover and hide my flaws.

Earlier today, I lurked H&M in attempt to use the $6 discount card from my Wrapp app. Of course my excitement quickly wilted as soon as I went to the dressing room with my very few desired items (thanks to them not carrying anything more than mediums and very, very few large sizes... extra large does not even exist there).

Felt so big.

Nothing hugged me flatteringly.

Oh and I have also learned why my parents "trust" me so much while I am away from their home and they reassure their friends in confidence that I am incredibly religious and have committed the littlest of sins. Apparently their confidence stems from the belief that males will not be interested in a chubby girl.

...And apparently my thinner siblings, the apparently "more attractive" offspring, cannot move out. Oh but I can.

So yes. I have been feeling insecure and hating my existence. Blah.

No smoking, please.

You have just told me you consumed 15 cigarettes today. You have also admitted that "one pack" a day is your norm lately.

"Lately" for all I know anyway. Knowing you, you could have been doing this for ages and have been hiding it from me.

After I left this morning, I requested that you try to live a healthier life since I have noticed the loud rattling noises coming from your lungs as of late. Eagerly inhaling so many doses of pollutants has convinced me that I will become a widow at a young age. A widow who has incurred massive debt thanks to your stubborn ways. I have become reacquainted with feelings of immense disappointment... and most bothersome... feelings of uncertainty of our future together as an item. The stench of excuses on top of excuses spew out from those carcinogenic lips. I feel submerged in foolery. How do I know that my efforts are a wise investment? No one is perfect, I am trying to be aware of this.

But... is this not going overboard?

I'm back.

For some reason I have found myself to return to Blogspot. Tumblr is great and all, but I could not find myself to see it as a medium for blogging. I have given it a chance. No I probably will not discontinue using it... but if I am bored, on the toilet... most likely in a public place, I will take a stroll through Tumblr and nose my way through what others wanted to publicize.

I miss writing my thoughts. I am not sure why I do. Maybe I am intimidated by how many people in real life... that I know face-to-face actually read my Tumblr? Perhaps I prefer the lack of fame and invisibility I get to have on an actual blog forum? Tumblr feels like a Facebooker's attempt at blogging without words. Ha. Facebook. Tumblr. I am on neither often.

Whatever. We'll see how this facade of mine lasts.

who in a relationship has to work so hard just to get the actual truth?!

a simple question leads to an interrogation. i’m not controlling at all. it just breaks my heart to find out later i’ve been lied to.

why. just why.

you make me want to curl up into a ball and cry at the world.

i know you can love me with all your heart. but why can’t you be honest with me like the way you supposedly love me. i want to believe that honest is supposed to be coupled with love.

all of this over cigarettes  i shouldn’t have to feel this way over cigarettes  i feel this way because you lie and promise me empty promises to my face about it.

and it hurts. it hurts how big of a lie you can create over such a small thing. i want to help you through quitting, but it pains my heart to offer you such genuine support and trust to help you through your addiction when you spit all over it with lies.

Finally figured it out...

So after being on the back burner forever, I finally spent maybe an hour last Friday figuring out how to back-up all my blog posts dating all the way back from 2007.

I did it.
All 300MB of posts and images backed up onto my computer (I really need to get an external HD in case my computer decides to die on me again).

So...yeah. I really don't have anything holding me back from trying out Tumblr as new real estate for my personal posts.

No excuses now...
...Just have to go and make a few clicks.
The question now is when.
D:

Bun heaven ;__;

yummy lai wong bao :9

i'm such a happy panda :3

(sigh) oh my shameful worldly desires.