Rise to Fall

For some reason, I feel like shedding a tear or two. Somehow a lot of people believe that I could never be sad, depressed, or lost. Even some of my teachers say they can't imagine me being "down." I suppose I am pretty good at acting like I'm ontop of things. But sometimes, sometimes... I don't feel like doing it anymore. I feel tired of being the one to pick up others' morale and cheer them up. Tired of being the one to recall small details about everyone, especially those close to me. Tired of having to ask to be remembered in any way. If I didn't speak up about anything, I'd be forgotten. What makes them happy, what stirs them up, et cetera, et cetera. Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

Who's going to show me I'm special for "Just Because" reasons? That's why I have trust issues because I know I could never let myself down... but sometimes I do, how contradicting. So what's my diagnosis, doc?

Movie Date

So my friend Lusi and I had a movie date, a sort of belated Valentine's date kind of thing. I figured since neither of our "significant others" were considerate enough to say Happy Valentine's Day and so on and so forth that we were going to treat each other out. I picked her up, brought a teddy bear, flowers, and candy. And she paid for my movie ticket and popcorn. We've been dying to see Underworld: Rise of the Lycans because we're both fans of the previous two movies. But when we finished the movie, we were kind of disappointed because we were expecting more of a continuation from the last movies. I was definitely hoping to see more of the Michael Corvin (Corvinus) character because he is definitely one of my fantasies (Iron Man is still #1 of course). I mean come on, a dude who's wolf and vampire? Any day man, any day. I think in the first Underworld, Selene actually witnessed Sonja's execution and was a little girl at the time. The movie focused mainly on Lucian, his love Sonja, and how the war between Lycans and vampires developed. For what it was about, I suppose it was a good movie. It wasn't horrendous. 7/10

However, the main objective of the outing was to have each other's company... especially during a time of loneliness. We spent an hour looking through department stores, Lusi got a deal on corduroy pants from Macy's for $10. And I looked at makeup (I am becoming interested in learning how to use it), particularly for my thin, unfortunate Asian eyebrows. I am just about 18 years old and am beginning to think I should learn how to use brow powder, lol. I then drove her home and walked her to her door (or elevator rather). It was nice, but short. I suppose I should be extremely appreciative because it was the first time dad let me out after dark (got home at 8:30).

I am my own Valentine

I'm quite exhausted. I spent the day in turmoil because just this once, just once, I didn't want to be the one who remembered to say Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetheart. As always, I have to initiate everything in order to feel appreciated the way I want to be. Why can't it be understood that my heart desires little things? Huge, extravagant gifts do not matter. It's the fact that I was remembered and for once, letting me pity your feelings wasn't a concern. So yeah, that was lurking in the back of my head all day.

On the other hand, I had a dentist appointment and had two fillings done. I also got conversationally terrorized by my 8-year dentist regarding my lack of duty to floss and questioned why I can cook lobster better than his assistants. Anyway. I have impacted wisdom teeth and require surgery. I have a referral to see an oral surgeon, but we all know my anxiety prevents me from making that phone call. I paid the phone bill, wrote out some checks, put gas in the car (long lines and got cut off by two elderly bitches), dropped dad off at law library, picked up brother, got donuts (depression caved in), bitched at a cashier about returns, went home to find computer fucked over by trojans (no pun intended), picked dad up, and spontaneously went on a walk at Harbor Island. I saw two weddings going on, how cliche. I mean come on, Valentine's Day?? At least do it on a random holiday, like Halloween or something. Or 4th of July. Anyway, I took a random shot from my phone during the walk:

Gorgeous, isn't it? I just wish I felt as breathtaking as the picture. Anyway, back to my paper on thermodynamics...

PS: The book I mentioned in a previous post, The 19th Wife, is a great read. Nearly halfway done (attempting to finish whenever I have spare time).